Assumption Is Where Connection Withers and Dies

Let me say something that sounds obvious but changes everything once you really let it sink in: no one on the planet has your brain.

Not your partner. Not your best friend. Not your most trusted colleague. Not even the person who grew up in the same house, went to the same schools, and sat at the same dinner table as you every night for eighteen years.

Every single one of us arrives in this world as a completely unique operating system. We are shaped by our experiences, our traumas, our wins, our losses, the way someone looked at us when we were seven, the message we got loud and clear at age twelve about whether or not we were "enough." All of that gets wired into the way we think, the way we process, the way we see the world.

So when you walk into a conversation assuming the other person sees what you see — feels what you feel — values what you value — you are setting yourself up for frustration. Every. Single. Time.

In reality, expecting someone to see things your way without doing the work to help them get there isn't communication. It's assumption.

Assumption is where connection goes to die.

I've watched brilliant leaders lose their best people over this. I've seen couples build walls out of it brick by brick. I've watched board members sit in the same room and leave with completely different versions of what just happened. Not because anyone was lying. Because they each brought a different brain to the table.

So what do you do with that?

You stop expecting people to read your mind and start educating them — clearly, directly, and with empathy. I call this decoding yourself.

Here's the shift:

When you communicate with someone, your job isn't just to say what you mean. Your job is to translate what you mean into something their brain can actually receive. That requires you to slow down, get curious, and ask yourself a few important questions.

What does this person care about most? What's their lens — are they driven by data, by relationships, by results, by fairness? What experiences might be shaping how they're hearing you right now? Where might their brain be going that's different from where yours is?

I know. I know. This sounds like a whole lot of work “that I shouldn’t have to do!” But here is where you make an important choice. You can either talk “at people” or you can talk WITH them.

It also means communicating more, not less.

Don't assume they know your "why." Explain it. Don't assume they understand the context. Share context either ahead in an email or if there is time, in the moment. Don't assume they felt the same thing in that moment you did. Check in. Say, "Here's what I was thinking. Here's what matters to me. Here's what I need. What's coming up for you?"

I went so far with one client who felt they were having trouble being heard to develop a “handbook” for their new boss about how she herself thinks, solves problems, best receives information, takes feedback and what gets her motivated and energized about her work.

Clear communication is a gift.

It's not weakness — it's wisdom. It tells the other person exactly how to show up for you. When you don't communicate clearly, people fill in the blanks with their own brain. And their brain isn't yours.

Each person’s perspective is just one facet on the giant gemstone who makes up who they are, what they value and how they receive information. It's real. It's valid. But it is not the only one that exists — and it's not the only one that matters. The leaders, partners, and humans who do this work best are the ones who hold their perspective firmly in one hand and stay genuinely curious about someone else's in the other.

Start simply by checking your assumptions and providing space for others to clarify their own.  That's the space where communication and connection flourish.

— Beth

P.S. Want to communicate in ways that actually land? The NCD fundamentals “go at your own pace” workshop Tackling Difficult Conversations With Confidence will open your eyes and mind to how to make that happen.