I have heard this before. I hold the dog leash too tight.
The trainer said, “Let the leash be slack. Have it hang like a ‘J’ between your right and left hand. That way you use the right hand for leverage by tightening the slack when you need to.” And then the most important piece: “It gives you more control without damaging your shoulder.”
He went on to explain that when there is always tension on the leash, all I’m doing is teaching the dog to brace and resist — without ever feeling the reward of the release.
Dang. This habit of gripping the lead too tight is one I also had to unlearn when I went back to horseback riding 20 years ago. The tighter you try to hold the reins or the lead rope, the more the horse braces against it. And trying to win a tug-of-war with a 1,000-pound animal is a tough proposition. The easier path is to give some slack while still maintaining contact.
As I was reflecting on the lesson with the dog trainer, I began to wonder — why do I hold on so tight, even when I know better?
The answer is simple: the illusion of control. But when we hold on too tight out of fear of losing control, we ultimately wear ourselves down before the animal — or person — resisting us ever gives in. In fact, sometimes those doing the resisting actually build a muscle for it. My dog Bessie had become so accustomed to bracing against my grip that her neck muscles grew stronger and stronger with every pull. I was losing the battle for sure.
I have since learned to loosen my grip by simply checking that the leash hangs in a “J” shape. My current dog, Isla, barely pulls when we walk. So now I find myself consciously checking where else I might be holding on too tight in the name of control.
What I’m learning is that when I loosen my grip on the things I feel compelled to control, things often work out more easily — and in better ways than I could have imagined. It’s a practice, not a destination. Some days I’m better at it than others.
Is there a place in your life, or your leadership, where holding on tight out of fear is hurting you or exhausting you? Is tightening your grip actually getting you closer to the outcome you want?
And you may even discover a peaceful balance like I did with my pup, my horse, and even some humans I care about.
Let me know how it goes!
P.S. Here’s a note from a client:.
“Beth coached me through one of the trickiest dynamics in leadership, navigating a role transition while managing up, and never once made me feel judged in the process. The way she asked thoughtful, non-confrontational questions didn’t just help me see the situation clearly; it modeled exactly the approach I needed to learn and carry into my own conversations.”
— Paul Boortz, VP Trading, EB Wakeman