Maybe You’re Not Defensive

Have you ever been told you're being defensive? Me too.

A friend told me recently that I can be defensive sometimes. I didn't like hearing it.

My first instinct? To explain why she was wrong.

Which — I'm told — is a very defensive response.

Here's the thing: I didn't experience myself as defensive. I was clarifying. Standing my ground. Advocating for my perspective. From the inside, it felt like dialogue. From the outside, my friend was watching my walls go up.

That gap — between how we experience ourselves and how others experience us — is exactly where defensiveness lives.

Defensiveness is the outward reflection of an inner battle.

Often, what people call defensiveness is actually a form of self-protection — a strategy that involves bracing ourselves to protect what we believe and feel.

Defensiveness isn't a character flaw. It's a learned behavior that develops over time — one that was probably absolutely necessary at some point in your life. Your nervous system got good at bracing for a fight over what you value, what you believe, what you hope for, or what you fear. When you're bracing, it isn't necessarily a battle with someone else. It's a battle to protect your values, morals, ideas, beliefs, and sense of emotional safety.

When you feel unheard, misunderstood, or like you need to stand up for yourself, try asking yourself:

• Am I feeling unseen or unheard?

• Where did I first learn that I needed to protect myself — my ideas, thoughts, values, and beliefs?

• Do I still need to do so today, as the person I am now?

• What am I really trying to achieve — clarity, advocacy for my opinions, or simply the need to be understood?

Years ago I had someone in my life who would say, "You get so defensive!" I finally stopped trying to do better for them and instead responded with, "I feel the need to defend myself against the assumptions you make about how I’m showing up."

I don't know if she understood my message, but I gained greater insight into what was really happening between us — and quickly learned this wasn't a relationship that could last.

I still haven't fully worked out how to avoid sounding defensive or how to explain what's really happening for me in the moment.

This is a journey for sure.

One strategy I'm trying is instead of saying, "I was just trying to have a conversation about how I feel," I invite the other person in by saying, "Tell me more about what you noticed that made you think I was being defensive."

That one shift may have the power to change the entire trajectory of the conversation. I hope so.