Model the Behaviors You Desire in Others

I received a message from someone who completed the Navigating Challenging Dialogue®. At the time, her goal was to be more effective in her government job where she was witnessing a great deal of undealt with interpersonal conflict. She has now moved on to working in education and is finding the NCD tools as useful in working with students, peers and within a system as she did at her government job.

In her email she talked about how modeling the NCD tools for communication was helping both in the classroom with her students and in the union meetings with her peers. She said the feedback she receives on her communication style helps her to see how modeling the behaviors she hopes to see in is actually more effective than trying to convince others to adopt the tools.

She says that the adults say things like, “That’s the question I wanted to ask but was too afraid to bring up.” And students are now mimicking her open-ended questions and phrases that encourage others to think more deeply. In a few short months she is experiencing less defensiveness and blaming by both peers and students.

The moral of the story here is that every day, people around you are watching. They're taking notes — not consciously, but neurologically. Research tells us that mirror neurons in the brain cause us to unconsciously mimic the behaviors of those we observe and feel a connection to. Those she was hoping to impact positively, students and other educators, weren’t just hearing her words. They were making attempts at copying in hopes of shifting their own effectiveness. Instead of simply hearing your words, they are noticing how the communication makes them feel. And as a result, are absorbing your habits, your tone, and your standards.

This is why I keep coming back to one simple truth.

Model the behaviors you desire in others. 

Modeling is an effective teaching tool. In fact, I believe it is one of the most effective teaching tools.

Here’s the part that matters most. When you feel powerless in almost any environment, you are never without influence. You don't need a title. You don't need authority. You don't need anyone's permission. The moment you choose to communicate the NCD way, with empathy, curiosity, and a focus on the good of the whole, you navigate conflict with positive intention — modeling something others see as worthy of repeating.

So if you are feeling like you have no role to play in leading, in creating the kind of environment and communication you wish to experience yourself, you are wrong. Simply start with modeling the behaviors you desire to see in others. You can do it today, in whatever room you're standing in.

To learn more about Navigating Challenging Dialogue® and the tools that can help you to model the behaviors you desire in others, get my book “Turn this Conversation Around” available at most booksellers or by visiting my website: https://bethwonson.com/books