What do Tears Mean to You?

Have you ever thought about what tears mean to you? Let me reframe that: What do you make other people's tears mean?

Confused? Let me explain. When we see someone else cry, we immediately begin to translate the message of their tears into something that we've experienced or feel when we cry, and then we project our own experiences onto their tearfulness.

In other words, we begin making assumptions about what those tears mean and what they mean about us.

A child falls and cries, and you see the parent become angry. "You should have been more careful! Now stop that crying."

I'd venture a guess that this parent is experiencing a deep feeling that was brought up by the child's tears. Maybe it is the parent's own fears around their ability to keep their children safe. Maybe it is a memory of how they judged another parent who didn't keep them safe. Or maybe even their own feelings of clumsiness as a child come up. I have no idea. But I know that underneath that parental reaction is a discomfort with what they are making their child's tears mean.

In the workplace, when you give someone feedback, they may tear up. You might immediately feel regret, thinking, "What kind of manager am I to hurt someone's feelings like this?" Or “What will everyone think if my employee comes out of this room teary eyed? I’ve got to stop these tears!”

But here's the thing: people emote tears for reasons deeply connected to their own socialization, past life experiences, future hopes and dreams, insecurities, what speaks to their heart, and for dozens of other reasons that, frankly, are unrelated to anyone but themselves.

This is why, when someone begins to shed tears in front of you and you begin to notice that you are having an emotional reaction — or desire to get their tears to stop as soon as possible —take a moment to pause. And notice what thoughts you are having about yourself in relation to their tears. And without trying to fix their emotional reaction or change it so that you feel better about yourself in the situation.

Follow these steps:

Pause: Take a breath in, ground your feet on the floor, relax your shoulders. Become aware of your own emotional energy.

Validate: Name what you notice (very simply): "I see our conversation is bringing up some emotions."

Drop into curiosity: "Can you tell me more about what you are feeling right now?"

Invite action: "What do you think you might do to work through this?”

By inviting action, you are empowering the other person and showing that you trust them to take care of and manage their own emotional reactions. Not everyone will be able to express action steps in the moment or be comfortable sharing them with you. That’s okay.

You can adjust and customize these simple steps to fit your communication style, any situation or any age. But the key is to help the other person name the emotion so you’re both clear and you aren't making matters worse by making an assumption.

To learn more about emotional self-management and self-awareness:

• Check out my free resources for Navigating Challenging Dialogue®. 

• Sign up for “Turn This Conversation Around” , my online Navigating Challenging Dialogue workshop! —  for just $149.

• Pick up a copy of my book — the Official Handbook of Navigating Challenging Dialogue®.