Endless I’m Sorrys

I've noticed I've picked up an old habit again: saying "I'm sorry" way too much.

I find myself using "I'm sorry" as an immediate response to things that are out of my control — someone else's frustration, a complaint about the weather, or a restaurant not having a dish someone was hoping for. And I notice others saying "I'm sorry" with much more frequency too. In my workshops, when people, mostly women, ask a question, they often lead with, "I'm sorry, but I have a question."

This is a habit I'm intentionally working on breaking for myself yet again.

I remember about ten years ago I focused on identifying what is actually worthy of an "I'm sorry." I changed my default. Instead of saying "I'm sorry that happened to you," I'd say, "That sounds like it was a hard experience."

Or sometimes I'd say nothing. If someone walked into a training and said, "Wow, it's cold in here!" instead of saying "I'm sorry," I'd take action and head over to adjust the temperature.

There's endless research and countless articles on why women offer up "I'm sorry" even when something is neither controlled nor influenced by them. One study found that women have a lower threshold for what incidents they believe require an apology, compared to men. This means that in similar situations, women felt it was important to apologize while men didn't feel the need.

Another states that women are more attuned to keeping the peace and reducing conflict, so they offer apologies in an attempt to break tension. Sometimes women begin with an apology to cushion a message, such as, "I'm sorry, but we have to review the budget again," or "I'm sorry, but that behavior isn't acceptable."

I'm not sure what the whys are for me. But I know this: when you begin apologizing for things that are out of your control or influence, it can quickly become a habit. Over-apologizing can leave others with the impression that you lack self-confidence. And for me, apologizing too often builds resentment over time, which can ultimately damage relationships. When you apologize a lot, it can let others off the hook for when their apology is truly warranted.

Take some time over the next few days and notice when you apologize, and what the purpose is. Was it to smooth over conflict? Was it to soften a message? Does it come from a lack of confidence? Or is it something else entirely?

Notice how you feel when you apologize without cause. Do you feel heard? Do you feel stronger? Or do you feel less than?

And know this: I'll be working on my apologizing right alongside you.

I provide 1:1 coaching for people who are seeking to recognize and change the patterns that hold them back from achieving the goals they desire. If you're interested in learning more, get on my calendar and let's chat.

Your strong voice is essential. Your thoughts are valuable. The world doesn't need your unwarranted apologies. It needs your unique strengths and talents. Speak up without the apology.