When Holding Too Tight Pushes Away What We Want Most

Imagine you are holding something precious in your hand. Something you really don’t want to get away. And every time you feel more vulnerable, or like things are chaotic and uncertain, you squeeze your hand even tighter for fear you might lose it. But what happens? You are squeezing so tightly that pressure increases. And whatever it is you are holding and valuing all starts squeezing out between your fingers in unpredictable and uncontrollable ways making it nearly impossible to hold onto. And making others want to back away from the mess.

This is exactly what happens when we try to control outcomes in our most important relationships and conversations.

Whether it's gripping too tightly to how we think someone should respond, clinging to our assumptions about their motivations, or desperately trying to force a specific result—the very act of applying more pressure pushes away what we're trying to hold on to.

I see this pattern constantly: leaders who micromanage their best performers until they quit, parents who over-correct and create distance with their kids, partners who demand certainty but instead create doubt.

The tighter the grip, the more likely we are to lose what matters most.

The antidote isn't letting go completely—it's learning to hold space with open palms.

When we approach challenging conversations from a place of curiosity and fascination, rather than control, when we focus on what we can influence rather than what we can't, we create the conditions and space for authentic connection and real change.

It is the energy of releasing the fear that creates the space in your brain for you to take that first step towards understanding and accepting the risk of loss. When we are clear on what is at risk (often not as much as your mind may have led you to believe) that allows innovation, new ideas, collaborations, and a bit of freedom to come forward—and this is where people feel empowered and learn.

Experience a Shift

Take a minute right now and think about all the things you are balancing, dreading, fearing, and things you are excited and hopeful about. As you are considering each one, notice your physical reaction. Do you feel tension? Do you feel clamping down?

What might happen if you lightened your grip a bit? Delegated and empowered more? Let go of your dreading mistakes and mishaps and know that people (and kids) learn through reflecting on mistakes and adjusting.

As much as I can, I am seeking lightness, fascination, curiosity, and the ability to let go in my own life and work, because I don’t want things squeezing out unpredictably and uncontrollably.

What about you?

If you are noticing that you or your team is a little more controlling, a little more rigid, or a little more tense these days, let’s talk. I’d love to help people learn and experience a different way to navigate uncertainty with more ease.

Get on my calendar for a free call: https://bethwonson.com/beth