How I'm Transforming Anger

I was recently invited by my colleague and friend, Kristen Belden, to sit down for a chat on her YouTube interview series, “Belden Strategies “: [Watch  my interview here.]

I love the way Kristen approaches these interviews with women business leaders and entrepreneurs. She doesn't send questions in advance. She doesn't tell her guests what she hopes to hear. She literally leads a good conversation, and the direction is the direction.

I know she does more preparation than it sounds like, but her gentle way of interviewing really brings out the stories behind the stories, and I love that.

One topic we talked about was anger, conflict, and how friction is necessary for ideation and innovation. That’s why, in today's polarized world, looking beneath the anger is so important.

I learned long ago that anger is the outcome of deeper emotions.

Emotions that are often more uncomfortable than anger: fear and sadness.

As you will hear in this episode, when I find myself feeling anger, I pause and ask myself, "What am I fearing about this situation?" and "What am I sad about?"

When I'm feeling anger, instead of acting on it I sit with these questions for a few minutes so I can get to the root cause of my anger. Then I can establish or identify worthy and effective action steps for working through whatever is upsetting me, instead of taking actions driven by the energy of my anger that I may later regret.

For example, when I'm already running tight on time and someone takes the parking space I was heading for. The adrenalin and cortisol starts to rush through my body and kick me into fight or flight mode.

Suddenly, I want to take action. Yell, wave my hands around, maybe even confront someone. That's a fight response.

If I am someone more prone to a flight response, I may just quietly concede and then fume about it for another few hours, telling everyone in my life how I was wronged and fantasizing about what I should have done to stand up for myself.

For me, either of these options often leads to feelings of shame and regret about my behavior.

But for the past 15 years, I've been striving to put grace in the space when I feel anger boiling up inside me.

 In times like this, I ask myself these two questions:

"What am I fearing?"

"What about this situation brings up feelings of sadness?"

For example, let's say someone sneaks into the parking spot I was heading for. My feelings of fear may stem from being late for an appointment. Or not finding another spot. Or perhaps I fear being seen as weak or not as important as this other person (I never said these were rational emotions).

Perhaps I feel sadness that people aren't more polite, aren't kinder, and don't see the rules the same as I do, or share my values. Why don't they value what I do? I'm sad that common decency as I see it is being lost.

My anger wants me to tell them they are wrong. My anger wants them to be different, but the truth is, the only person I can manage is myself.

When I get in touch with what fears or sadness are driving my emotional reaction, I can then deal with each of those. I ask myself questions such as:

• Am I really late? Do I know for sure that this person saw me? Or realized what I was doing?

• Is it true that I am neither as important or strong as this other person? (I have no idea, but I bet not.) Do I have any idea what they value? And are one person's values more correct or righteous than another's?

• Do these feelings I'm having help me or hold me back from being who I most want to be in the world? Are they making my experience better?

I discover that I am making assumptions about the motivation of someone else when I have no idea of what is in their heart, mind, and awareness. And these assumptions are driving my anger.

The energy of anger is sometimes incredibly valuable in that it inspires us to take action, and many times action is necessary. But I prefer to be in a space where I can clearly determine if the actions I feel compelled to take when I’m angry are worthy of my energy, breaking with my values, and my safety, as well as the drama and chaos that may ensue. These are all potential consequences of anger. 

Yes, sometimes anger gets ahead of me. Sometimes I do make a hand gesture or stare in a way that I hope is intimidating.

And I find in those situations, the toxic energy of that anger tends to pollute other moments more than when I put grace in the space by pausing and asking myself two simple questions: "What am I fearing?" and "What about this situation brings up sadness?"

It is important to emphasize that this is practice for me.

Becoming more aware and compassionate toward your own emotions and emotional energy is the truest and most powerful form of self-care.

I encourage you to practice pausing and asking yourself these two questions whenever you feel anger starting to rise up in you over the course of the next few days.

Train yourself to discern when the actions that are driven by anger are justified and necessary (yes, there are times when survival depends on it), and when some grace given to yourself might be the salve you need in the moment.

This is also a tool that you can use to gently inquire with someone on your team or in your life that you see stuck in a place of anger that may be holding them back.

A kind and curious interaction begins with validation: "I see you are having a lot of emotion over this situation. May I ask you a question for you to think about? Is there something about this situation that brings up fear for you? Or feelings of sadness?"

Don't be concerned if they don't get it immediately. People need time to consider and reflect, especially when anger is present.

Let me know your thoughts by hitting reply! I read and reply to every response.

P.S. If you want to learn more about these practices, grab a copy of my best-selling book, Turn this Conversation Around  — available at all booksellers or through this website.